An Epilog to My Younger Self

Dear little Salma, I adore you, I love you, and I will always make you proud.

Do you think I have forgotten?

About you?

— The 1975

Strangely, I keep remembering someone lately. When the rain pours outside and my body shivers. Or in the middle of the talk and I forgot what to say. On some of my bad days, but more on the brightest ones. That person popped into the back of my mind, like someone who’s begging to be looked at closely.

And I look at her closely. All I know about her are hopelessness and bruises. That’s why all I ever wanted to do was embrace her in a cage-like hug, for her to feel safe and sound. I keep on feeling like I owe her something. Something bigger than myself.

By thinking that way, it becomes automatic that she’s my biggest supporter. On rainy days when I don’t feel quite like myself, I’m detaching for a while from the present. And going back to my dreams. I watch the show I used to like or read my old silly notes. I’m going back to my old dreams, and it welcomes me like a mom standing in front of the door with arms wide open. When I came back and took off my backpack, it allowed me to surrender in her embrace and look back.

“Look at you! You’ve come so far. How was the journey?”

Dear little lady,

I still can’t define the right words to define our journey. I used to think it was a nightmare, but we were smiling while listening to a Kodaline album on that bus. I used to think it was lonely, but we met many new people who strengthened us.

I used to think it was dark, but do you remember the full moon on that night?

So, if there’s anything that I could tell you, I want you to know that there are approximately more than 100 songs that sit in our playlists now. You should know how beautiful Novo Amor songs are. It is perfect to be used as a lullaby. We also collect soundtracks from our favorite coming-of-age movies. It becomes our own soundtrack when we’re vibing alone.

Not only that, I want you to know that on some nights, we’re not dancing alone. We met two like-minded friends with the same level of craziness here. When we’re tired and a little bit sad, we sing lots of good songs, pouring our hearts out. Do you know how relaxing is that?

And by mentioning here, what I mean is the city you used to hate. I have lots of marvelous things I want to tell you. However, your smile must be broadened when I tell you that we have got to find a lot of the things that we fail to have. In this city.

So, my dearest,

Thank you for paving the way to this day,

We’ve been found by all the things that are meant to be

And we’ll find more as we go.

Sincerely,

a woman who keeps looking up to you, a woman who will make your dreams — even the silliest — come true.