Comeback to Yourself Every Once in a While
And just like that, I get back to myself every once in a while.
There’s a certain kind of bliss every time we get lost. Lost in a new place that somehow feels close to our hearts. Lost in an engaging conversation with our loved ones. Lost in your pleasure while watching a feel-good movie. Lost in a new environment where you tried hard to blend in.
When that kind of wander feels exciting and somewhat tiring at the same time — with all the adrenaline rush and so on, there’s a type of “lost” that will make you miserable.
Losing yourself.
To me, it starts with me needing to remember the reason why I am in this place for the very first time. I got caught up in daily hustle and struggle, all the present ups and downs, without really knowing where it would lead to.
Or when it gets worse, it shows as me needing to remember the person I used to be. And end up missing the young girl a lot. I would revisit my old notes and wonder where she got all the strengths and willingness to do the milestones she’s done.
There are just too many new things that await on my plate. The 20s in the back of my mind is like a phase where every vital thing will finally settle. And I believed I couldn’t mess it up.
But, on the journey to fit into my new “life,” which includes college, friends, dreams, a career, and even a lover, I stumbled upon my demons multiple times. There’s no longer a linear-clear-decided road in my vision — no longer like high school days where I knew for sure where I would end up after a certain period. It’s a winding road starting from here. In every new people that I met and listened to, I found new things to be debated in my head. Things are just too diverse and decadent when you’re young and getting older. I know my life will never be the same.
But I don’t want to get rid of myself just yet. When I’m alone, I try to reconcile with the girl who cried because she’s not getting the first rank in her class. The 9-year-old me gets highly excited when her parents take her to the local bookstore every six months. I tried, and tried, to embrace her innocence and all the silly dreams she was once very determined of.
And just like that, I get back to myself every once in a while. To remember the kind of happiness I need to seek. To keep me close to my fate. To tell me how long I’ve been on this road and that everything will be okay even though I’m messed up sometimes.
To hear that little whisper, “Hi, you’re the young woman I’ve always looked up to. We did it.”
