Going to Europe: The Feelings and Lessons
I forget that there’s another option regarding comfort zone. Not to try to step out of it, but to expand it instead.
It’s been more than two weeks since I got here. A land totally different from what I’ve been facing in my lifetime. Europe, the blue continent. A faraway land I could only dream of before, or maybe never really popping up that much in the back of my mind.
All these days, I don’t really experience any feeling that gripping my heart too tight. It’s actually so strange how calm I become. I thought I’d bawl my eyes out every day in my first until the second week.
Am I still in my honeymoon phase? Not really. Not when I’m starting to remember the roads nearby, the smell of certain blocks, or which number of buses or trams I should get into to reach certain places.
Maybe it’s because there are many things to do that keep me from contemplating the hole inside me. A hole that can only be filled by things I could only find at home. Maybe it’s because my lover never leaves me lonely, even though we’re thousands of kilometers away.
As a person with attachment issues, I don't know whether or not I should be happy with this smooth adaptation. However, another feeling that I notice is that I hardly feel highly anticipated for almost anything.
I’m happy and curious to experience many journeys here, of course. But it stops to feel so exciting, the kind of happiness that keeps you up at night. Sometimes, it feels obligated. The honeymoon phase doesn’t feel so honeymoon, actually.
Hence, I try to trace back where this light dims out. Was it when I embraced my mother at the airport? Was it just fly away when I was sleeping? Or is it because I’m mature enough to manage my feelings, to just feel every emotion on the right dose?
But…whatever it is, I’m happy to be here. I try to stop guessing the dose or try to control it. Not everything is calculable, and there must be a reason for it.
I’m happy that the sky here is a clear blue sky. Sometimes, when clouds are around, it’s a kind of cloud that apparent to be like cotton. You can touch it, or float on it.
Reaching the end of the day, the sky turns into different shades of blue at once, with a slight of orange color. Stars and moon are perfectly hanging at night, with the chill autumn breeze and trees that move subtly. What a sight, huh?
And don’t mention the flowers. They’re so vibrant with so many variety of colours. I could actually see the bees eagerly flying above it. Such a lovely sight in the middle of the day.
I’m happy to see the buildings. European-like buildings are always something, back in my hometown. It symbolizes prosperity and somehow creates a sense of inferiority among us.
However, here, I learned so much about equity. How we all the same humans, try to survive a day. Pedestrians are much respected and prioritized here. I never felt so safe walking by myself in such a crowded road, because I could always cross the road safely. The lecturer blended in students' lunch, going around and saying hello. A native man we met at a department store willingly went up and down to show us a place when we asked him because he hardly explain it in English. And so on.
World’s full of kindness, and I love it.
I also love the fact that every day I learn something new. From myself, my friends, and my surroundings.
Such an observer, I admire my friends so much. They’re great people. Some of them handle many things besides adapting, like working, internships, and even preparing a thesis. But I hardly see them unhappy or complaining. Well, maybe I don’t know about that moment, but from what I see, they always radiate positivity when we gather.
From them, I learned that being busy or having multiple roles was our choice and to commit to it, it takes more than our capability to get the work done, which is the willingness to not perceive it as a burden.
Some of them an explorers. They’ve been to another city or do a little trip alone. I still don’t have the energy/courage to do that. I’d love to, though. However, the thing I learned is that we have to do what we want, whatever it takes. By whatever, I mean to combat the little things inside your head that stop you from outgrowing your comfort zone.
All along, I make excuses to myself that I’ve stepped out so far from my comfort zone to be here. Therefore, I don’t have to do it again, at least in the meantime.
I forget that there’s another option regarding comfort zone. Not to try to step out of it, but to expand it instead. That’s what I will work on. Quite curious of where are the other lands these feet will land on.
Until the next diary, perhaps?
Cheers,
Salma.
