Living by Act Like I Had One
Side to side by the wake of my adrenaline rush, the tendency to jump into something, has brought me to one of my biggest adventures in my life.
“Nature has given men such a need for virtue, and such a desire to defend the common safety. That this force has overcome all the enticements of pleasure and ease.” — Cicero
I have this unusual degree of impulsiveness that could have shaped almost the entire tapestry of my life if I gathered them all. That led to a bunch of stories, worth to be giving attention to when you’re hanging out with me. If only I’m gifted with a mesmerizing storytelling ability.
Side to side by the wake of my adrenaline rush, the tendency to jump into something, has brought me to one of my biggest adventures in my life.
When I say adventure, it is adventure adventure. Being thousands of kilometers away from home is something I have always dreamed of, but I forgot to prepare for the emotional downfall that comes with it.
I am always a loser when it comes to adapting, but this adventure demands more than just a “technical adaptation.”
The gloomy autumn weather does have a part to my little, but stinging sadness. But, actually, I adapted just fine. I am accustomed well to this new way of life — from the obligatory to check the weather forecast every day, the portable bidet, and so on.
What I wasn’t really aware of is that being away from home, meant being “on hold” from everything that filled up my personal space, and has been distracted me from some inner work that had to be done.
Adaptation has branched itself to me, into not only technical but also something so personal. I’m faced with insecurities I didn’t know existed, faced with some textbook questions of the early 20s, but it feels so real.
Am I ever know what I truly want?
Am I doing all of these for a certain destination?
Is it okay to not knowing?
I never set a serious goal in my life. Maybe just an outline, but then, I usually forget it. Whenever something good is offered, I just jump right into it.
A way lot of time I spend alone makes me think if I ever fulfill what my heart truly wants, if I ever know what it really wants. All along I believed, never truly landing my feet would take me further, as I would thrive by flying.
But, do I like flying?
All along I do life almost like a travel advice that an online driver told me when I arrived in Jakarta. “Just act like you know this place already. Not like a newbie. It’ll keep you safe.”
I’m living life like I had experienced one before. I actually know nothing. When people asked me how to get here, I actually knew nothing, cause I didn’t really navigate myself. Didn’t really see the maps. I guess I’m bad at navigating. Wherever I landed, I ensured myself that this is the right place. This is where I need to be.
Sometimes homesickness makes me deny that to seek comfort. This is not where I belong, I need to go home. But, classic saying, home is where we feel at peace.
I can manage to feel at peace here. I can learn how to feel the peace inside me. And carry it wherever I go.
